As an overall, everyone has been asking me if it was worth it. Now it’s over – yes. I remember during my third treatment the nurse who was helping me made a very comforting and encouraging remark. He told me he’d been doing this for 25 years and thought I was smart to be this aggressive. All it takes just one teeny cancer cell to find a new home and it can become a death sentence. Another lesson I learned was how physically vulnerable we truly are. Our ultimate fate is out of our hands, it’s in God’s hands.
Was it as bad as I thought it would be? No. I was lucky that I never lost my eye lashes and eye brows. The mouth sores were not any worse than the good old canker sores that I get on and off anyway, although I won’t miss swishing my mouth out with baking soda and water. Having dry eyes, dry mouth, and a dry sore throat were far worse, I would wake up night after night gagging and coughing out of control. I lived on Ricola lozenges. My taste buds did change some but not as bad as I was warned and my appetite is still off. I confess that was tough, the constant queasiness and never feeling normal hunger pains. My skin feels like parchment. It’s still creepy looking in the mirror and seeing a bald head. I have new empathy for guys who go bald, it’s amazing how cold my head gets and I wonder how they stand that. But I’ve gotten into a routine that works for me. I always wear the wig when I go out to do things then I replace it with one of my hats when I’m at home. Heat can fry the fake hair, so no cooking or opening the oven with it on. I don’t trust myself to remember. But all of these issues will now go away, my hair will grow back and my body will heal!
I think the hardest part was mental; dealing with the knowledge that I would feel sick over and over for the 2 months and having a sense of dread not knowing if it would get worse each time. I think about people I know or anybody who have long drawn out illnesses or chronic pain. I have such new empathy and respect for them. I must be so hard to find hope for the future.
Coming up next, radiation.
Friday, January 2, 2009
LAST TREATMENT
On December 15th, I went through the routine one last time. I brought my daughter with me who was home from college. I was so excited knowing this was it! The only difference was I asked my doctor if there was some way I could either enhance or change the anti-nausea drugs to see if I could get a better handle on the churning stomach. He did! He added on a powerful drug at the very beginning that would make me very sleepy and have amnesia. He asked if that would be a problem. Hmm… let’s see no memory of my last treatment…no, I don’t think so.
Well, he was right. After it was over, my daughter and I went to lunch to celebrate, or so I was told. One of my sons called and we talked for about a half an hour. I called him the next day to let him know how things went, he just laughed. All I can say was I had no nausea, little memory, and slept like the dead. I wish I had spoken up from the very beginning.
Still, it was a tough week, lots of queasiness and the good old reaction to the shot. I think it wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t been trying so hard to feel well enough to attend various Christmas activities and get caught up on my very long list. Luckily I didn’t over do it, the body wouldn’t let me. I did much better the week of Christmas. I was able to do some shopping and put together our usual Christmas feast. Luckily our kids are older and understood what I had been through. They were helpful and didn’t expect the usual.
Well, he was right. After it was over, my daughter and I went to lunch to celebrate, or so I was told. One of my sons called and we talked for about a half an hour. I called him the next day to let him know how things went, he just laughed. All I can say was I had no nausea, little memory, and slept like the dead. I wish I had spoken up from the very beginning.
Still, it was a tough week, lots of queasiness and the good old reaction to the shot. I think it wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t been trying so hard to feel well enough to attend various Christmas activities and get caught up on my very long list. Luckily I didn’t over do it, the body wouldn’t let me. I did much better the week of Christmas. I was able to do some shopping and put together our usual Christmas feast. Luckily our kids are older and understood what I had been through. They were helpful and didn’t expect the usual.
THE DARKEST DAYS
The day after Thanksgiving I woke up with a cold. It wasn’t bad but I knew in my situation, things could change fast. Luckily by Sunday evening I still felt under the weather but not too bad. The only thing I cared about was to not have my third treatment put off. So I had my husband give me a blessing and I was told I’d be okay and would be able to have my treatment the following day.
This time I decided to go on my own and I’m glad I did. I ended up being at the cancer center for over 5 hours. Because of the holiday weekend they had to push the treatments either forwards or backwards and there were a lot of patients waiting for their treatments. After the first one, I had a little routine I followed. First I check in and have blood drawn to make sure my red, white, and platelet’s counts are at healthy levels. Then I meet with my doctor where he does a quick physical. He then makes the call on whether I get to do the scheduled treatment. I confess I kept coughing and blowing my nose. Luckily he said my lungs sounded nice and clear and my blood count numbers were good. I was very relieved and able to do the treatment.
That same evening I attended a very fun event called “Look Good, Feel Better”. It is something that cosmetic companies do for women with cancer all over the country. About 15 of us sat around a table in a conference room where we learned how to care for our scalps and skin. We got great make-up tips and saw clever ways to wear scarves and hats. The best part was all of us received over $200 worth of free make-up courtesy of most major cosmetic companies. It was so wonderful to sit with these wonderful ladies knowing we all had something in common. They all had different stories and different type of cancers which helped remind me how blessed and lucky I was. My chemo was a choice, not a necessity.
Later that night I was hit once more with nausea and I have to admit that it was worse this time. Also because I was already sick, my reaction to the Neulasta shct was pretty awful. I felt rotten from head to toe. My simple cold ended up turning into a sinus infection. So on top of queasiness and feeling achy, I had a sinus headache, bad cough, and very sore throat. That was the worst thing of all because of dry mouth and what chemo does already. Sleeping at night became very difficult. I finally went to my regular doctor so I could get going on some antibiotics. I was concerned that if I didn’t get it nipped it would affect my next treatment or worse- end up in the hospital.
Luckily the drugs worked and cleared up my sinuses. I finally was able to get up and start functioning again. What a long two weeks! It didn’t help that it was now the holiday season. I missed not being able to go out and see the lights and enjoy the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping and baking. I love to sing Christmas carols and prepare for our church’s Christmas program, but I had no voice and was still coughing up a storm. I also was dreading the fourth treatment – it was a very dark time for me mentally.
This time I decided to go on my own and I’m glad I did. I ended up being at the cancer center for over 5 hours. Because of the holiday weekend they had to push the treatments either forwards or backwards and there were a lot of patients waiting for their treatments. After the first one, I had a little routine I followed. First I check in and have blood drawn to make sure my red, white, and platelet’s counts are at healthy levels. Then I meet with my doctor where he does a quick physical. He then makes the call on whether I get to do the scheduled treatment. I confess I kept coughing and blowing my nose. Luckily he said my lungs sounded nice and clear and my blood count numbers were good. I was very relieved and able to do the treatment.
That same evening I attended a very fun event called “Look Good, Feel Better”. It is something that cosmetic companies do for women with cancer all over the country. About 15 of us sat around a table in a conference room where we learned how to care for our scalps and skin. We got great make-up tips and saw clever ways to wear scarves and hats. The best part was all of us received over $200 worth of free make-up courtesy of most major cosmetic companies. It was so wonderful to sit with these wonderful ladies knowing we all had something in common. They all had different stories and different type of cancers which helped remind me how blessed and lucky I was. My chemo was a choice, not a necessity.
Later that night I was hit once more with nausea and I have to admit that it was worse this time. Also because I was already sick, my reaction to the Neulasta shct was pretty awful. I felt rotten from head to toe. My simple cold ended up turning into a sinus infection. So on top of queasiness and feeling achy, I had a sinus headache, bad cough, and very sore throat. That was the worst thing of all because of dry mouth and what chemo does already. Sleeping at night became very difficult. I finally went to my regular doctor so I could get going on some antibiotics. I was concerned that if I didn’t get it nipped it would affect my next treatment or worse- end up in the hospital.
Luckily the drugs worked and cleared up my sinuses. I finally was able to get up and start functioning again. What a long two weeks! It didn’t help that it was now the holiday season. I missed not being able to go out and see the lights and enjoy the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping and baking. I love to sing Christmas carols and prepare for our church’s Christmas program, but I had no voice and was still coughing up a storm. I also was dreading the fourth treatment – it was a very dark time for me mentally.
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